Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Just in case you do not have a Cousin Cheryl, few do, at least not one as mischievious as this one, then permit me to share a bit of Christmas etiquette which Cheryl reminded me to observe.

Should you be a speed reader who just "Skims & Scans", BE CERTAIN TO CAREFULLY READ THE ENDING PARAGRAPH. It is a much needed reminder of whats important in life.


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet tables knows nothing of the Christmas Spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY! Go next doors, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. AND QUICKLY. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of the year but now. SO DRINK UP! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if your're going to turn into an egnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. POUR IT ON. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if the're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. WHY BOTHER? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. LOTS OF IT. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. THIS IS THE TIME FOR LONG NAPS, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pount plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. HAVE AS MANY AS YOU CAN BEFORE BECOMING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apple and one pumpkin. ALWAYS HAVE THREE. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS. I mean, have some standards!

10 One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. RE-READ TIPS; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of ARRIVING SAFELY IN AN ATTRACTIVE AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Thank you Cousin Cheryl. What a beautiful sentiment.

God Bless!

1 comment:

Phatmom said...

Ha! So glad you enjoyed that! I wish I could take credit for it, but I can't. Props to whoever made all that up! I think I'll go drink some eggnog now.
Merry Christmas, Cousin!
Cheryl and Jack